| Author | Message | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6512 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: N/A |
Thank you sir. Will correct them. | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6511 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: N/A |
Thank you.
The way I see it, physical manifestations cause those memories to persist. First step is to get rid of the physical stuff.  | ||
Redclaw777 Side Hero Username: Redclaw777 Post Number: 3682 Registered: 12-2011 Posted From: 223.182.94.11 Rating: N/A |
Liked the plot and emotional heft. Cud hav been slightly better written though. The twist at the end and the real reason for the emotional farewell though rounded off the story vry well. Great effort! | ||
Speaker Side Hero Username: Speaker Post Number: 6858 Registered: 06-2016 Posted From: 99.240.204.64 Rating: N/A |
Idi fictional antehes... May be...'Sleepless in Seattle' kooda baane untaadi... Oka aalochana medilindi..aa aalochane nannu ennukundi..kaabatte ee post padindi. | ||
Awesomedber Comedian Username: Awesomedber Post Number: 1149 Registered: 04-2015 Posted From: 67.170.72.224 Rating: N/A |
Platy bother velledi Reading, UK kadaa.. Appaltlo oka thread kudaa vesaadu. | ||
Speaker Side Hero Username: Speaker Post Number: 6856 Registered: 06-2016 Posted From: 99.240.204.64 Rating: N/A |
Usually, when someone says no strings attached...itz referred to physical relationship between a man n woman without emotional attachments...n also it could be purely platonic too.. Probably, your story should have been named as...'Coming to Seattle' Oka aalochana medilindi..aa aalochane nannu ennukundi..kaabatte ee post padindi. | ||
Bushu Hero Username: Bushu Post Number: 13783 Registered: 04-2009 Posted From: 173.76.104.69 Rating: N/A |
writing such a story shows all strings still attached. physical things are but symbols of memories. until you erase memories, you cannot snap away any of the strings. its just a hash. out of sight, out of mind doesnt work all the time. | ||
Vishvak Side Hero Username: Vishvak Post Number: 5928 Registered: 01-2007 Posted From: 73.164.13.25 Rating: N/A |
annai where is Neha? Vi veri universum vivus vici My Blog: The Power Of One | ||
Maverick Legend Username: Maverick Post Number: 64064 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 108.171.130.189 Rating: N/A |
why were here? they are still contradictory.. Happy Vizag | ||
Filmbuff Side Hero Username: Filmbuff Post Number: 8660 Registered: 11-2011 Posted From: 150.242.63.137 Rating: N/A |
"It was my home - Now it was just a set of rooms - an empty house." The above two lines were contradictory. So the first line should instead be - "it had been my home." "My life, as I knew it was over at that instant" There should be a comma after - "as i knew it" "Tomorrow would dawn a new sun" - better to make this, "tomorrow a new sun would dawn" "I said hello just one man" - there is a "to" missing here And a few others.. | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6506 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: N/A |
Thank you for your comments. I will anyway come up with a second version fixing some of the issues highlighted. | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6505 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: N/A |
To return the piece of Earth back to the Nature as it has long since served its purpose.
I know how undertakers think. For them, it is blasphemous to get rid of the tomb. I just interpreted his character based on how they normally think.
Not sure how this relates to the story. | ||
Maverick Legend Username: Maverick Post Number: 64050 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 68.50.111.95 Rating: N/A |
Awesome mastaru! your writing skills are just amazing Happy Vizag | ||
Jp_rocks Hero Username: Jp_rocks Post Number: 17181 Registered: 06-2009 Posted From: 73.36.15.73 Rating: N/A |
Good one Platy, a very emotional one knowing the background 😢 "Nijanni neelo pettukuni needani champi em labham" ani sirivennela annattu..I can empathize with the symbolism in your story..nijam = advaith, needa = tomb (counter intuitive) Though I know it's a shadow, I can never get myself to destroy it. Hats off to your courage in facing the truth. | ||
Andhravodu Side Hero Username: Andhravodu Post Number: 8053 Registered: 07-2015 Posted From: 69.62.241.11 Rating: N/A |
unna bandhalu annee koolchesi elladahes | ||
Speaker Side Hero Username: Speaker Post Number: 6851 Registered: 06-2016 Posted From: 72.143.213.45 Rating: N/A |
Tombs ni destroying endehess...??? Edo tulaka lulers adedo chesinattu...??? 4 me out of the box in this context would have been more towards fantasy Oka aalochana medilindi..aa aalochane nannu ennukundi..kaabatte ee post padindi. | ||
Andhravodu Side Hero Username: Andhravodu Post Number: 8051 Registered: 07-2015 Posted From: 69.62.241.11 Rating: N/A |
annee mamulu ga unte story enduku avuddi raa nayana. konchem outside the box think cheyi | ||
Speaker Side Hero Username: Speaker Post Number: 6849 Registered: 06-2016 Posted From: 72.143.210.91 Rating: N/A |
Advaith part was very sentimental...why would u even destroy it..??? N why u picked on Ramuly..??? Although it was purely fictional...??? Do u actually know whatz disturbing u offlate??? Knowledge about oneself is the best knowledge... Know yourself better...u will know more about others... Oka aalochana medilindi..aa aalochane nannu ennukundi..kaabatte ee post padindi. | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6504 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: N/A |
It is a story. The guy is getting relocated permanently to the US. Thanks for the comments. | ||
Speaker Side Hero Username: Speaker Post Number: 6847 Registered: 06-2016 Posted From: 72.143.210.91 Rating: |
Cheta bhaaratamantha raasi idi short story endehes... Ayina etundi nee cribbing tappa...??? Remember...we r just here on a temp basis...n in that u r vexing over trivial things... Oka aalochana medilindi..aa aalochane nannu ennukundi..kaabatte ee post padindi. | ||
Anand_n Hero Username: Anand_n Post Number: 17853 Registered: 02-2008 Posted From: 72.179.185.115 Rating: N/A |
Knowing the background it is hard to read it just as a story - I knew the last stop before I got to that part of the story ..  From the writing perspective narration of the first part could have been tighter ... or maybe I did not feel the emotional undertone cos I am so used to picking up and moving as needed.. Good luck to your family with the move.. The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet : James Oppenheim | ||
Guriginja Legend Username: Guriginja Post Number: 36411 Registered: 02-2008 Posted From: 71.92.53.3 Rating: N/A |
..first sadivi...kastanga anipinchindi....couldn't comment...fiction (feelings lijam ayina kuda) annaka feeling better...ma nellore vaallu superehe...keep rocking platy bro....nellore gem. | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6494 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: N/A |
Thank you.
The friend was not yet there. They reached ahead of the schedule. So they had to either wait inside the car or enter the cemetery and wait for the friend there. I agree it didn't get conveyed properly. Thanks for the comment.
Someone should take care of taking the tomb down. The undertaker wouldn't do it generally (Try talking to them about it. )So it had to be either a family member (They wouldn't even hear about it) or a close friend. They just wanted to snap that one last string before leaving the city.
Agreed. Got the idea from a fellow DB member. Will elaborate in the next version. It is all about getting rid of the all the strings - to get out of India.
Point noted. Could you please let me know a couple of those grammatical errors? It will help me fix the story as well as improve my language # Thanks for the feedback again.
Completely fictional story.
Agreed.
Not that easy as it sounds in this story. Both me and my wife want to do it. However, in my case, the grandparents are still of the view that their grandson is still there. For their sake, we have decided not to broach this topic for now. The story is a way of telling them what we think.
Actually I am feeling much better now - They will be joining me soon and that is exciting
Don't even try. Stay blessed
It is a story - with a real life parallel. I am not moving to the US - I am in the UK. My family is shifting to the UK. Thanks for the prayers
Fictional sir jee. But yeah, family is about to shift to the UK. | ||
Frasier Junior Artist Username: Frasier Post Number: 398 Registered: 09-2014 Posted From: 176.252.110.2 Rating: |
Platypus, have you left UK for good? Or is it just a fictional story? | ||
Calypso Junior Artist Username: Calypso Post Number: 62 Registered: 11-2009 Posted From: 101.177.132.71 Rating: N/A |
Well written or not.. i can't imagine the emotions you and your wife had to go through to detach from the little one's tomb. All the very best to your new life in America. I pray that you will find the answers and happiness you are looking for and your wife and daughter will settle soon in the new country 😊 | ||
Thikka_sankara Legend Username: Thikka_sankara Post Number: 32181 Registered: 02-2012 Posted From: 122.178.68.180 Rating: |
no.... They are all the strings getting detached.... on that note, you are simply detaching strings here, doesn't necessarily mean you wouldn't get tangled in them in the new place you go to.... Anyway, did you really do that (the whole cemetery thing)?? You'd have given lots of thought to it before hand, still feeling awkward commenting on it.... Just one suggestion, you keep posting about your depression issues and your ocassional thought of resigning ..... Just remember the below lines, that you yourself wrote....
methavulaki venkayya jawaabu.... https://youtu.be/fUafzTD37sY | ||
Pulpfiction Legend Username: Pulpfiction Post Number: 43188 Registered: 02-2009 Posted From: 64.102.249.6 Rating: N/A |
heavy and emotional but could empathize with your experience .. very good attempt .. thumbs up .. Nothing succeeds like success ! | ||
Filmbuff Side Hero Username: Filmbuff Post Number: 8658 Registered: 11-2011 Posted From: 150.242.72.118 Rating: |
I liked the basic premise. Could have been written better though. There are some sudden jumps that are jarring - like when they get down from the car, why is the driver telling them to wait in the car, it should be the other way round. Not sure why was the friend needed there, seemed unnecessary. The whole concept of the assets and liablities was also out of place. How was the rest of the story related to that. Too disjointed i felt. Lots of grammatical errors and typos also. Could have done with better editing. | ||
Rocketk2 Side Hero Username: Rocketk2 Post Number: 4080 Registered: 03-2014 Posted From: 121.244.91.104 Rating: N/A |
I liked it .. it was well written.. cemetery undertone vunna ye story ayina.discuss cheyyataniki koncham uncomfortable ga vuntadhi.. but the story captured my interest all the way to The End .. excellent narration | ||
Asdf Megastar Username: Asdf Post Number: 28399 Registered: 12-2014 Posted From: 76.109.163.196 Rating: N/A |
TLDR | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6492 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: |
 Enti maree antha daridramgaa undhaa story? single stars vesthunnaaru? Emi nacchaledho cheppandi. | ||
Platypus Side Hero Username: Platypus Post Number: 6491 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 82.19.11.233 Rating: |
"That's pretty much it Mr. Nekkanti" He handed me the receipt. I nodded. "You will get your goods in a month. We will keep in touch." The truck rolled away. I turned around to face an almost empty house. It was my home. Now it was just a set of rooms - an empty house. My prized possessions - a TV, a few furniture items and some kitchen utensils were all on their way to the United States. My life, as I knew it was over at that instant. Tomorrow would dawn a new sun and along with it a new set of rules, regulations, and life's teachings in an almost alien land. India would be history in a few more hours as far as I was concerned. I looked at the play area of the apartment complex. My daughter was playing on the slides. My wife was talking to someone she knew. That could be pretty much anyone in the apartment complex. She knew every family in the neighbourhood and had a hundred friends there. I said hello just one man - whose front door was bang opposite mine. For me, it was not too taxing to move to a new country. I had already spent close to a year in the US with frequent travel to India - sometimes for work and sometimes, personal. Staying apart from the family was difficult but I got to spend a couple of weeks with them every second month. My wife and my daughter would be hit hard. They had a great life there and a social circle people would kill for. They were about to leave all that behind and start life from scratch on the other side of the globe. A friend told me when I was seriously considering the move to the US to attach a monetary value to everything I had in life. "Convert everything to rupees or dollars if you will, even the relationships and the priceless assets. Don't forget the liabilities. Then you will know if a move makes sense." I tried doing it. It was not an easy exercise. Try converting your parents to a dollar value. Try translating the emotional distress your daughter would go through on the last day of her favourite school when she would be given the Transfer Certificate. Maybe she would not understand the implications of this move, which was probably a good thing because if she did, she would reduce to a cooked vegetable. The pressure of the change would be brutal. But my wife? What was she going through? She did not have the luxury of the childhood enthusiasm for the unknown. Unfortunately, as we grew up, we ended up trading Santa Claus for reality. We came to believe that a known devil was better than an unknown angel. My wife would be leaving everything she had worked for so far just to be with me. Was it just? Wrapping things up! What a loaded phrase! It translated to a list of things to be taken care of before leaving the country. Get rid of credit cards, unnecessary bank accounts, close loans, cancel that phone number of yours that has been a part of you for over 10 years. As you progressed through that checklist, you could almost feel a string snapping somewhere - racing you towards the utopian dream of No Strings Attached. I shook my head. I did not have the time to reminisce on the vagaries of 21st century nuclear life. I walked back into the apartment. It was amazing how different the apartment looked like now. Yet another string snaps! I shuddered when I thought about the last string that I had to snap. That would be the most difficult part of this move. I had been postponing it for the last day and perhaps the last hour. It had to be done. I just did not know how. A couple of hours later, we were staring at the six large suitcases in the hallway. The worst part of the travel to the US was packing those suitcases and then unpacking them on the other side. They were all meticulously packed - each weighing exactly 23 kilograms - not a gram more, not a gram less. "Nirmal, time to go now" Anjali said softly. Trishna was staring at her room seriously. It would only get more difficult with time. There was never enough time to say goodbye to the walls. I quickly walked out and resisted strongly the incredible urge to look back over my shoulder at what had been my temple, my home and my abode of peace for over a decade. The Uber driver was waiting downstairs. "We have to start now sir. Otherwise we will get stuck in the traffic." And just like that, we left everything behind - everything but one last string that had to be taken care of. I called up my friend, "Started. Will be there in an hour and a half." "Papa, aren't we going to the airport?" Trishna asked me curiously. "We are, there's just one more thing to take care of." Anjali was staring blankly at the traffic. It was blazing hot outside and so the traffic was quite thin. We reached our destination in an hour. My friend was not yet there. "Sir, will you wait in the car? I will just have some chai" the driver asked me. I looked at Anjali. She took her handbag and said, "Let us go" We got down the cab and walked to the other side of the road. "Papa, where are we going?" Trishna had a puzzled expression on her face. I just held her hand and kept walking in silence. Trishna suddenly stopped. "Papa, look - Advaith Nekkanti". I nodded. We stared at Advaith - or whatever was left of him. It was a beautiful tomb with granite on it. The headstone had an outline drawing of Advaith, which was surprisingly accurate. It was one of the well maintained and beautiful tombs in the cemetery. "Is it my brother?" Trishna looked at me. She knew about Advaith, who died as a toddler two years before she was born. She had never been to the cemetery. We thought she should see it once before we left the city for good. The undertaker came running. "Nirmal sir. Please don't do this. It is not right. Anjali madam, why don't you tell him?" She smiled. "There's nothing here Ramulu. He is not here anymore." Ramulu shook his head but did not say thing. My friend Prasad arrived in a couple of minutes. "Are you sure?" He asked both of us. We nodded. He sighed. "OK, I will take care of it. What do you want to do with the headstone?" "Just destroy it." I said. "No one has done it before - at least on my watch" Ramulu said feebly. "Destroying a tomb is unheard of." "Ramulu, it has been several years. Our son is not there anymore even physically. He has long since moved on and his body is consumed by Mother Earth. We do not want to hold this piece of land hostage. That is not how it should be. We will get rid of all the construction. Over a period of time, it can house another body. Cemetery spaces are hard to come by these days." Anjali said. Trishna pulled my shirt. "Will it harm him?" "No Trishna, he is already part of Nature. You've been learning our ReUse? His body has been reused by Earth for other things. Advaith is in heaven now. He can't be harmed by us. This is only a device to remember him." "Like a picture?" She asked me. "Yes, like a picture" I said. "That we have lots of" She suddenly brightened up. "So, we can remember him whenever we want" "Sure. That's the plan" I smiled. Prasad looked at his watch. "You better start if you don't want to miss your flight." We started walking back when Ramulu shouted from behind, "Sir, aren't you going to say Goodbye to him?" We stopped, turned around and smiled. "Take care Ramulu." The last string just snapped. The End |
