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Powerfull
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Username: Powerfull

Post Number: 4061
Registered: 02-2008
Posted From: 98.143.144.34

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 09:45 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:




Excellent
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3646
Registered: 01-2009
Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:56 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Mario_puzo:

ee mudu chetanalu kalipite manishi alocha baitiki poledu so, prati kshanam aa aalchane ani vadanu....




guchukunnaru sir...iyyalti nundhi meeki dasudni nenu......manchi depth undhi...touch lo undham
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Mario_puzo
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Username: Mario_puzo

Post Number: 1938
Registered: 10-2008
Posted From: 98.244.92.80

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:54 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:


Antah chethana ante 'the subconcious' . Daniki plural word ledu - naa antah chethanalu ane usage badulu naa antah chethana ante saripothundi.



first of all thankyou for taking liberty :D....

akkada chetanallo ante adi plural for antah chetanakadu brother.....naa chetana(concious),achetana(unconc) and antah chetana(sub conc) ee muditiki kalipi "lalo" ani vadanu not just for antah chetana.....ee mudu chetanalu kalipite manishi alocha baitiki poledu so, prati kshanam aa aalchane ani vadanu....


Okeokkadu:

secondline lo 'bimbamayi pravahisthondi" annaav. Pravahisthondi ane padaaniki oka dhaaTi undi. ventane jnapakapu "aasaraa" anagane aa dhaTi chacchipothundi. paraspara viruddha pada prayogam adi.




i agree......

Okeokkadu:


next "aa devini okamaru kalisina " ani subject ni open chesesaav. "devi" ani cheppakapothe ..inkaa baguntadi.




naku cheyyalanipinchaledu.....rasi,delete chesi malli rasa, aa kurrod english version 'angel' ani specific ga mention chesadani


Okeokkadu:


tanu bimbamai pravahistondi, tana jnapakala voddulni vadi vadiga oruskuntuu "
or
tanu bimbamai pravahistondi, tana jnapakala sudula alajadi reputhuu "



good one, kani rendu sarlu tanu/tana ravatam valla anukunta ekkado veliti anipistondi...i cant say though.....


Okeokkadu:


d) sindhura chaitanyam ayindi evaru ?
aa ammayaa ? aame jnapakamaa ? naku ardham kaledu.



aame bimbam(tana alochana)

sorry cheppalsina panledu....thankyou
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3645
Registered: 01-2009
Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:54 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

rhyme, metre and structure lekapothe vachedhi poem kaadhu...garbage...every beautiful thing should have a structure...easy or difficult depends on the mind that conceives....Human mind CAN'T THINK with out any overlay of order.......
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Kamal
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Username: Kamal

Post Number: 8216
Registered: 08-2009
Posted From: 130.36.62.142

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:40 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Anand_n:

tip tip barasti




actually .. nenu ide context lo teesukunna andi .. and I thought there was a word like that .. :D .. ofcourse .. naa hindi vocab pretty bad anukondi .. thats a diff issue ! :D
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Anand_n
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Username: Anand_n

Post Number: 6764
Registered: 02-2008
Posted From: 167.24.104.150

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:36 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

"teepna" is a legit word




True - but teepna means to press down- e.g sitar ke taar teepna ...does not work for me with raindrops..tip tip barasti - would have been more appropriate in the context - but that may be your poetic liberty :-)Mee verse lo grammar errors and usage chusi language radu anipinchindi - if you are well-versed in the language then you need to be more careful on those :-)


Der_schuler:

mee antha knowledge denilo ledhu naaku..




Should've trusted my first instinct of ignoring your request for critique:-) I am out of here :-)

For All wannabe poets who hesitate to write,

I heard this from my son's teacher in a "everyone can write poetry" introduction class for middle schoolers...

Forget all your definitions about good poetry.

Pick a thought and write out how you feel without trying to make it look good or pretty even. Write each sentence on a new line and you have poetry :-)Then go back and edit if you want but ensure you do not change the flow of thought ...

Write for yourself - without worry about how others see or rate it


A wonderful teacher - he had 12-13 year olds writing very good poetry once they were freed from the constraints of rhyme, meter and structure :-)
aa chal ke tujhe main leke chalu ik aise gagan ke tale
jahan gam bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho,bas pyaar hi pyaar pale
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3643
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Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:19 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

to be precise "teepna" is present participle..may be some degree of transitiveness..

teepthi is an present continuous.....
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3642
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 06:16 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Anand_n:

Meeku hindi sarigga raadu anukunta ... There is no coherent line of thought in the verse - seems like words strung together randomly - and I do not think Tipthi is a word




May be.....tipthi kadhu....teepthi......mee antha knowledge denilo ledhu naaku..

"teepna" is a legit word...Hindi naaku sarigga radhu....anukuntunna...kiki
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Paga_babai_paga
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Username: Paga_babai_paga

Post Number: 1188
Registered: 09-2009
Posted From: 144.15.255.227

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 03:21 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Risingstar:

Pedavi anchuna cherukunna Nissabdam Andamga Chedirevela theeram cherina aanandanni thana tharagala tharangini nruthyamthoo mathramee chusi tharangam mayamavuthundendukani?

Naa Kalalaki Katha Vasthuva Neekelaa Cheppanu?

Nee mungurula kadalikaloo naaku prapancham kanapaduthundani!
Nee Kanureppala chappullaloo naaku Vedam vinapaduthundani!




ittanti post esi ennnalu ayyaindi. good going.
Admin Abbayi, Neku chetulu etti ettali Dandam.
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Pplsuck
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Username: Pplsuck

Post Number: 1481
Registered: 07-2008
Posted From: 99.239.247.178

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 03:00 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

>>>>>>
mayya neeku vollantha vetakarame .
>>>>>>>>>>>

nuvvu maathram takkuvaa??.......baaga paraachikaalu aadathaav......last time dose sarigga padaledu kadaa....monna kooda coolpix nannu ban cheyinchaadani comedies chesaav.......busy gaa unnaa, cudnt get back to you.........anni lekkalu oka saari eppudo choosukundaam.....
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Eluri_kurradu
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Username: Eluri_kurradu

Post Number: 7961
Registered: 02-2008
Posted From: 159.182.1.4

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 02:57 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Pplsuck:

non-sense.........OO and Der on talking terms.........probably they forgot their castes....


mayya neeku vollantha vetakarame .. :D
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Pplsuck
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Username: Pplsuck

Post Number: 1479
Registered: 07-2008
Posted From: 99.239.247.178

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 02:48 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

non-sense.........OO and Der on talking terms.........probably they forgot their castes........

OO,

DB kochchaav.....kala kalalaadutondi........welcome back......

"manishi maaraledu.....aathani mamatha teeraledu........"
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Risingstar
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Username: Risingstar

Post Number: 18578
Registered: 08-2008
Posted From: 159.182.1.4

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 02:46 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Pedavi anchuna cherukunna Nissabdam Andamga Chedirevela theeram cherina aanandanni thana tharagala tharangini nruthyamthoo mathramee chusi tharangam mayamavuthundendukani?

Naa Kalalaki Katha Vasthuva Neekelaa Cheppanu?

Nee mungurula kadalikaloo naaku prapancham kanapaduthundani!
Nee Kanureppala chappullaloo naaku Vedam vinapaduthundani!

kikiki
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Okeokkadu
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Username: Okeokkadu

Post Number: 1191
Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 76.183.52.76

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 02:43 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Anand_n:

There is no coherent line of thought in the verse - seems like words strung together randomly




Telugu kavitha ki sambandhinchi ide cheppalanukunna Der !
But malli feel avuthavemo ani tone down chesa.

ee type kavithalu mamuluga inter kurrodu kottaga lovelo padinappudu rasthadu.
nee intelelctual range inka peddadi ani I strongly believe (even though I don't agree with those topics)

so ilaanti kavithalu kakundaa inka kottaga rayi.
leda ilanti kavithalne kottaga raayocchu.

nee kavithaloni bhavanni inko rakamga elaa rayoccho ikkada raasaa chudu.

nenasalu gurthunnanaa ani nuvvu gunde talupu taati prasnisthuntaav ganee
cheekati tera venaka merupu meristhe nuvve gurtosthav
nee navvu gurtosthundaa..bhumi talli kotta chivuru molakesinnatha aanandam
sankranti muggu soyagamlaa nuvvu padmasanam veskuniuntav na gundegadapalo
selayeti parugulloni enkipata la nee palukeppuduu mounaganam chesthune untundi.
aadipranava nadam la nityam nee aalochana ventaaduthune untundi.
ayinaa ninneppudu marchipoyaanu ganuka malli malli gurthu cheskodaniki ?

same concept ni inka improvise cheyocchu..inkaa abstractga rayocchu..of course evari saili valladi.. there is no hard and fast rule ani neekuu telsu.
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Anand_n
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Username: Anand_n

Post Number: 6763
Registered: 02-2008
Posted From: 167.24.104.150

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 01:36 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

LWA, Anand, coke , kamla , mallik...etc etc....suggest a name....and post ur critique...as in did you read through the depth of the sonnet




I don't normally critique poetry - because I am only interested in the soul, do not care much about the technique and structure...

The emotional content in your initial poem is very good..to me that is all that counts in poetry...

However, if you seriously want to write for others to read, you will need to watch your technique and grammar, for e.g. the tense is inconsistent in the first stanza...if you write for yourself you don't have to care about all that ...


Der_schuler:

ittifaq ki barsaat ayi lekar ye mann ki ajeeb begaani
tipthi boondhon mein bhi khushi paye, haye iski naadhani
baarish ki gharaz mein dhhonde unke muskhurahat khi parchaayi
ishq ki zor mein,jannath ke sab zarre unki un se ghani....




Meeku hindi sarigga raadu anukunta ... There is no coherent line of thought in the verse - seems like words strung together randomly - and I do not think Tipthi is a word:-)
aa chal ke tujhe main leke chalu ik aise gagan ke tale
jahan gam bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho,bas pyaar hi pyaar pale
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Ishan
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Username: Ishan

Post Number: 1951
Registered: 01-2009
Posted From: 128.249.96.11

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 12:50 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

paravallu tokke nadhi....captures both the earthly beauty and the heavenly beauty alike...so danni Ananda bhairavi tho polchanu....


thammi raagam anedi shabdhaniki sambandhinchindi kada...anduke "jeeva nadhula Parugula savvaDilonchi puttina anandha bhairavi neevu " ante elaaguntadi? edichi mokam kadukkunnate undi anukunte lite teesko.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yeGK88_5T4

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Annavaram
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Username: Annavaram

Post Number: 2088
Registered: 12-2006
Posted From: 71.97.14.213

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 12:10 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Rebel:

I went to Golconda
I saw a Goonda
Sitting on a Honda
Drinking a kobbari Bonda
I threw a Banda
He showed his Kanda
I ran like Thonda
His name is Konda!




inchukinchi ilaative, ee thread lo nunchi jump aipodaaam itaantivi inko rendu isthe manalni rendu peekuthaaru
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Rebel
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Username: Rebel

Post Number: 6510
Registered: 02-2008
Posted From: 151.151.7.54

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 12:08 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Annavaram:

ana range ki yamaleela lo chelli ki pelli type poems thappa artham kaavu


Ilantiva ?

I went to Golconda
I saw a Goonda
Sitting on a Honda
Drinking a kobbari Bonda
I threw a Banda
He showed his Kanda
I ran like Thonda
His name is Konda!
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Annavaram
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Username: Annavaram

Post Number: 2087
Registered: 12-2006
Posted From: 71.97.14.213

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 12:06 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

mukka artham aithe seppuicchukuni kotteyandi

mana range ki yamaleela lo chelli ki pelli type poems thappa artham kaavu
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Cocanada
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Post Number: 16452
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 11:57 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Kamal
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Username: Kamal

Post Number: 8123
Registered: 08-2009
Posted From: 130.36.62.142

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 11:54 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Jp_rocks:

gr8 comments by u in this thread




I would like to tell the same :-)
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Jp_rocks
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Username: Jp_rocks

Post Number: 3201
Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 167.83.101.22

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 11:39 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:

Inthakee.. ee poem evari gurinchi ? ammayenaa ?


yes :-) ammayeee..

gr8 comments by u in this thread :-)
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Okeokkadu
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Username: Okeokkadu

Post Number: 1141
Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 76.183.52.76

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 11:23 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

Hela ane padha manaki...oka verb ga telusu kadha...as in oka nruthyam...typelo...but hela ane padhaniki......Bhoodevi ki maaru roopu ani kooda ardham undhi...naaku telisi...( correct me if I am wrong)....yes it is sanskrit but the very prominent usage of that word figures in Nannaya's prose.....

Hela ane padhanni endhuku kartheeka masam tho qualify chesa ante....konni schools of thought...lo.....purudu...kotha srushtiki ela moolam ga cheptharo alane...purudu tarvatha....mangalam snanam cheyistharu..symbolizoing a new life as a mother.....

Kartheeka masam...mangalakaramaina masam kadha.....so verasi.............

pudami thalli puriti noppula nundi puttina mangala maina hela...(anaga..transitive third person/ and beauty).......

ila anukuni rasanu....


I agree with most of ur points...velugu.....slip of gaurd.....will post more in a while...work calls




----------------------------------

hEla ane padaniki Bhudevi maru rupu ane ardham ledu. nijaniki hEla ante vodalu maimarachi , vivasamto, parvasamtho chese nrutyam. Daanni karteekam ane 'pavithra masam' to qualify chesekanna 'vasantham' to qualify chesi unte inkaa sogasuga undedi ani na feeling.


NAAKU TELUGU KAVITHA RAYADAM IDHE PRADHAMAM....ee nalugu lines mathrame....MY FIRST ATTEMPT.....naaku pedhaga pravesam ledhu..and I can't say I am a master at telugu....
-------------------------

Good first attempt. Here are my 2 cents.

Kavithvam "chikkagA" undAli. aa chikkadanam words valla kaakundaa bhavam valla rappinchadaniki prayathnam cheyaali. I will post more about that aspect.

Inthakee.. ee poem evari gurinchi ? ammayenaa ?
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Okeokkadu
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Username: Okeokkadu

Post Number: 1140
Registered: 06-2009
Posted From: 76.183.52.76

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 11:12 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

paravallu tokke nadhi....captures both the earthly beauty and the heavenly beauty alike...so danni Ananda bhairavi tho polchanu....




OK..if it is "Ananda Bhairavi" it's fine. It was spelt "Anand Bharavi" in your poem(typo). Hence the confusion
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Bushu
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Post Number: 457
Registered: 04-2009
Posted From: 12.30.230.138

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 10:36 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:




name your sonnet - 'it' :D
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Bhikhu
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Username: Bhikhu

Post Number: 5288
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Posted From: 148.129.71.52

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 10:05 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

civil tamud inta gyanam ettukunnav..ni level ki aa posts avasarama..
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3638
Registered: 01-2009
Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 09:35 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:

jeeva nadhula parugu vampula puttina anandha bharavi neevu"

Bharavi ani ye contextlo vaadaavu ikkada ? ardham kaaledu naku.




OK deeniki boldantha depth undhi.....Ananda Bhairavi raagam melakartha srushti tarvatha around 18th century went through a lot of changes..by syama sastry, one of the trinity..Ananda Bhairavi..is atypical of the ragamalikas as in it has a very heavy contribution of yesteryear's folk tones...and as syama sastry puts it..

"This raaga is as earthly as the human and as non human as the gods"...an apparent paradox...what he meant was...it can be sung....to make it sound as divine as a divine chant and can be made to sound as earhtly as the common man's whistle...

paravallu tokke nadhi....captures both the earthly beauty and the heavenly beauty alike...so danni Ananda bhairavi tho polchanu....
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3636
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 09:20 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:

Basicga "puriti noppiloni kaarteeka hela" ane pada prayogam enduko naaku ardham kaaledu. Do you have a specific meaning to it ? Puriti neppulu oka kotta srushtiki symbolic ani neeku telsu. andulo kaarteeka hela kanna kuudaa vasanta hela untundi.




Hela ane padha manaki...oka verb ga telusu kadha...as in oka nruthyam...typelo...but hela ane padhaniki......Bhoodevi ki maaru roopu ani kooda ardham undhi...naaku telisi...( correct me if I am wrong)....yes it is sanskrit but the very prominent usage of that word figures in Nannaya's prose.....

Hela ane padhanni endhuku kartheeka masam tho qualify chesa ante....konni schools of thought...lo.....purudu...kotha srushtiki ela moolam ga cheptharo alane...purudu tarvatha....mangalam snanam cheyistharu..symbolizoing a new life as a mother.....

Kartheeka masam...mangalakaramaina masam kadha.....so verasi.............

pudami thalli puriti noppula nundi puttina mangala maina hela...(anaga..transitive third person/ and beauty).......

ila anukuni rasanu....

NAAKU TELUGU KAVITHA RAYADAM IDHE PRADHAMAM....ee nalugu lines mathrame....MY FIRST ATTEMPT.....naaku pedhaga pravesam ledhu..and I can't say I am a master at telugu....

I agree with most of ur points...velugu.....slip of gaurd.....will post more in a while...work calls
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Okeokkadu
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Zulu:

Nakinko Edava doubt undi

Curry ane English word ki root word enti?

Kadi ani punjabi lo antaru..but that sounds more like a punjabisized english word..

Telugu lo koora antaru..like thotakoora..palakoora etc..

So..curry telugu loki vochinda? Koora English loki vellinda?..thelisthe cheppandi.




Curry English word ayye chance ledane anukuntunnaa. Yendukante aa 'vanta' vallaki ledu ganuka. Ika Punjabi/Telugullo nundi velle chances ekkuva undocchu.

I am not sure about this word though.
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Zulu
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 01:43 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:




Nakinko Edava doubt undi :-)

Curry ane English word ki root word enti?

Kadi ani punjabi lo antaru..but that sounds more like a punjabisized english word..

Telugu lo koora antaru..like thotakoora..palakoora etc..

So..curry telugu loki vochinda? Koora English loki vellinda?..thelisthe cheppandi.
Maathru bhasha vegataipoyina mudanastapu jathi manadhi
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Okeokkadu
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 01:38 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Zulu:

Okeokkadu:
Pudami talli - puriti neppulu- ee accha telugu maata vaadina tarvatha suddengaa high-sanskrit words like "Karteeka Hela" vaadithe pada/akshara ramyatha lopisthundi.

"pudami talli puriti neppiloni kotta chuvuru/chiguru neevu"..this kind of sound will produce more 'ramyatha'





Okeokkadu:
e) Closing ledu poem ki. something like

"inninti tho polchaanu ganee, nijaniki naa aakhari vuupiri neevu "
or
" innenduku, naa bathuku deepanivi, naa gunde naadanivi neevu"





Nakee rendu points chaala nachayi ..meeru emanna poems rasunte post cheyyandi. Thanks!




-----------------------------------------

Thanks bro,

idi varaku ilaanti poems raasevadni..soundarya aaradhana typelo...when I was young like these guys. I guess these two must be below 30. :-)

Ippudu baagaa abstractga raasthunnaa..will post one now. let me pull it out.
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Okeokkadu
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 01:34 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Mario_puzo:

oh my gawd, kasta paddanu.....evarikanna nachite continue setta...

naa chetanaachetana anthah chetanallo,
tanu bimbamai pravahistondi,aa devi ni oka maatu kalisina gnyapakapu aasarato!
aa nallati gatapu poralani pratighatinchalane tapana lo, naa rakta naalaallo sindhura chaitanymaindi
avyaktunni, sahanam leni asahaayudini




---------------------------------------------

Bro,

here are my cents. Sorry for taking the liberty to write this critique.

Antah chethana ante 'the subconcious' . Daniki plural word ledu - naa antah chethanalu ane usage badulu naa antah chethana ante saripothundi.

secondline lo 'bimbamayi pravahisthondi" annaav. Pravahisthondi ane padaaniki oka dhaaTi undi. ventane jnapakapu "aasaraa" anagane aa dhaTi chacchipothundi. paraspara viruddha pada prayogam adi.

next "aa devini okamaru kalisina " ani subject ni open chesesaav. "devi" ani cheppakapothe ..inkaa baguntadi.

totalga aa line ni this kind of dhaaTi to rasthe baguntadani na opinion.

tanu bimbamai pravahistondi, tana jnapakala voddulni vadi vadiga oruskuntuu "
or
tanu bimbamai pravahistondi, tana jnapakala sudula alajadi reputhuu "

c) "gatapu poralani pratighatinchalane tapana lo"

gatamu sanskrit word bro. Pora anedi accha telugu. ee rendinti madhya samasam ledu. "Gatam poralni" will be apt.

d) sindhura chaitanyam ayindi evaru ?
aa ammayaa ? aame jnapakamaa ? naku ardham kaledu.

Once again sorry for taking this liberty.
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Zulu
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 01:32 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Okeokkadu:

Pudami talli - puriti neppulu- ee accha telugu maata vaadina tarvatha suddengaa high-sanskrit words like "Karteeka Hela" vaadithe pada/akshara ramyatha lopisthundi.

"pudami talli puriti neppiloni kotta chuvuru/chiguru neevu"..this kind of sound will produce more 'ramyatha'



Okeokkadu:

e) Closing ledu poem ki. something like

"inninti tho polchaanu ganee, nijaniki naa aakhari vuupiri neevu "
or
" innenduku, naa bathuku deepanivi, naa gunde naadanivi neevu"




Nakee rendu points chaala nachayi :-)..meeru emanna poems rasunte post cheyyandi. Thanks!
Maathru bhasha vegataipoyina mudanastapu jathi manadhi
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Eluri_kurradu
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Okeokkadu:


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Okeokkadu
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Posted on Wednesday, January 27, 2010 - 01:21 am:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Der ,

You may not like me posting in your thread. But it's an extraordinary sonnet to go through. I do not have the calibre to crtique an English sonnet, but here are afew thoughts about your telugu poem.

"niseedhi terala anchuna ponchi unna kanthi rekavu neevu
pudami talli puriti noppiloni kartheeka hela neevu
sankarathri velugu muggula soyagala virupu neevu
jeeva nadhula parugu vampula puttina anandha bharavi neevu
prakruthi kantha jilugu velugula adhi manthram neevu"

Concept bagane undi..enchukunna padaalu kuuda baagane unnayi..but totalga kavita nee sonnet 'sthayi' lo ledu. Padaalu perchadam kaakundaa..try to put your emotion in Telugu just as you did in the sonnet.

a) Kavitaki 'ettugada' undaali. aa ettugada chala strikng ga undaali. chala genericga start chesthe telipothundi.

b) Akshara ramyatha ante telise untundi neeku.

Pudami talli - puriti neppulu- ee accha telugu maata vaadina tarvatha suddengaa high-sanskrit words like "Karteeka Hela" vaadithe pada/akshara ramyatha lopisthundi.

"pudami talli puriti neppiloni kotta chuvuru/chiguru neevu"..this kind of sound will produce more 'ramyatha'


Basicga "puriti noppiloni kaarteeka hela" ane pada prayogam enduko naaku ardham kaaledu. Do you have a specific meaning to it ? Puriti neppulu oka kotta srushtiki symbolic ani neeku telsu. andulo kaarteeka hela kanna kuudaa vasanta hela untundi.


c)Velugu ane word two times repeat ayindi. "sankarathri velugu muggula soyagala virupu neevu ". Indulo velugu avasaram ledemo anipinchindi. inko word padithe inkaa apt ga undocchu anukuntunna. just my personal preference.

d)" jeeva nadhula parugu vampula puttina anandha bharavi neevu"

Bharavi ani ye contextlo vaadaavu ikkada ? ardham kaaledu naku.

e) Closing ledu poem ki. something like

"inninti tho polchaanu ganee, nijaniki naa aakhari vuupiri neevu "
or
" innenduku, naa bathuku deepanivi, naa gunde naadanivi neevu"

This kind of closing line will make the impact longlasting.Look at the closing of your English sonnet. That's the impact that I am talking about.


Sorry for taking the liberty to write this critique on your poem. Just felt like suggesting these pointers.
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Der_schuler
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 11:18 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Mario_puzo:




adurs anthe..bhavam close ga undhi....motham depth ni capture cehyyaka poina....path correct
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Kamal
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 11:14 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

chavu tarvatha eti seyyali bore kadha anukuntunna...kiki




der annai .. neeku cheppe antati vaadini kaanu ..

neeku/naaku/evariki bore kottadu chavu taravata enduko telusa .. ee video choodu .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1x7cGwRdds
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Mario_puzo
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 11:09 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

btw, naa previous post attempt to translate his first post's first stanza
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Mario_puzo
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Der_schuler:



oh my gawd, kasta paddanu.....evarikanna nachite continue setta...

naa chetanaachetana anthah chetanallo,
tanu bimbamai pravahistondi,aa devi ni oka maatu kalisina gnyapakapu aasarato!
aa nallati gatapu poralani pratighatinchalane tapana lo, naa rakta naalaallo sindhura chaitanymaindi
avyaktunni, sahanam leni asahaayudini
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All_mix
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:59 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

chavu tarvatha eti seyyali bore kadha anukuntunna...kiki




adi nora drainage aa...nasty der..
baava cheppina satyam
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Ishan
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:55 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Neel:


sister meerenaa kotha Admin?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yeGK88_5T4

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Der_schuler
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:54 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


All_mix:

eti sestunnar




chavu tarvatha eti seyyali bore kadha anukuntunna...kiki
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Cocanada
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Neel:

vanta ayyinda special enti ee roju




dal aatta sambar noodles :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Der_schuler
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Neel:




bavunnara...intlo andharu bavunnara
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Cocanada
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:51 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Der thammudu vaade words chadivinappudu
"naaku english raadaaa" anipinchinappudu
manasu lo ragile alajadi vi neevu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Neel
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:47 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Cocanada:

telugu lo cheppinaaa pooorti ga ardham avatledu naaku




vanta ayyinda special enti ee roju
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Der_schuler
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:45 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

niseedhi terala anchuna ponchi unna kanthi rekavu neevu
pudami talli puriti noppiloni kartheeka hela neevu
sankarathri velugu muggula soyagala virupu neevu
jeeva nadhula parugu vampula puttina anandha bharavi neevu
prakruthi kantha jilugu velugula adhi manthram neevu

this is for Mixer, coka, kamala, mav, Jp, OT, LWA...MS, ishan anna....andharu

10 mins attindhi
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Kamal
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:38 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

nee kosame kamla....ur all my friends..naaku unna kodhi talent lo vachindhi seppa...tappulunte elca post antinchu ikkada podhunna ford ki vesindhi



thanks a lot .. seriously .. meelo chaala manchi kavi unnadu .. mee tho oka sitting veyyali .. to know how to transform ideas into poems ..

babu .. meeru pakkana oka thread lo oka manchi video ni miss avutunnaru .. plzz .. koddiga choosi opinion cheppachu kada ..
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All_mix
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Der_schuler:

dorling ettunnav






eti sestunnar
baava cheppina satyam
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Ishan
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:37 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Der thammi naa matti burra ki idi thattindi...kotha gaa kaaka chettha gaa unte sorry. "A Sojourn Forever" .... telugu la ayithe "Manasantha Nuvve" correct
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yeGK88_5T4

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Der_schuler
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:36 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


All_mix:







dorling ettunnav
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All_mix
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Cocanada:

deeni tho kotti sampeyyandi nannu




aa sadavakasanni naaku kalpinchu...ninnu disappoint seyyanu :D
baava cheppina satyam
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All_mix
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:35 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Kamal:

taravata enduku .. munde vesuko .. naadem poyindi .. :D




aaa...aaa...anni chustunna...:D
baava cheppina satyam
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Der_schuler
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:34 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Kamal:




nee kosame kamla....ur all my friends..naaku unna kodhi talent lo vachindhi seppa...tappulunte elca post antinchu ikkada podhunna ford ki vesindhi
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Kamal
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:32 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

ishq ki zor mein,jannath ke sab zarre unki uns se ghani....




wah .. wah .. wah waah .. :-)

bahut khoob .. bahut khoob ..
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Kamal
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:31 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:

Chiranjeevi tarvatha maname antava!!!!



taravata enduku .. munde vesuko .. naadem poyindi .. :D
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Kamal
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Jalsa:

kamal bro, koncham explain chestava pls




explain ante emundi bro .. he is explaining how he is missing the girl who he loved like his own .. how he is experiencing the pain of the loss .. vocabulary nenu kooda answers.com use chesukuni ardam chesukunna ..

edanna line ardam kakapothe particular ga adagandi .. will try to explain ..
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Cocanada
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:30 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

deeni tho kotti sampeyyandi nannu

telugu lo cheppinaaa pooorti ga ardham avatledu naaku
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Der_schuler
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:29 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

ittifaq ki barsaat ayi lekar ye mann ki ajeeb begaani
tipthi boondhon mein bhi khushi paye, haye iski naadhani
baarish ki gharaz mein dhhonde unke muskhurahat khi parchaayi
ishq ki zor mein,jannath ke sab zarre unki uns se ghani....


srothalu esp Kamal kosam and also for Mav, coke and Mixer....took me 6 mins
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3622
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:28 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Kamal:




ittifaq ki barsaat ayi lekar ye mann ki ajeeb begaani
tipthi boondhon mein bhi khushi paye, haye iski naadhani
baarish ki gharaz mein dhhonde unke muskhurahat khi parchaayi
ishq ki zor mein,jannath ke sab zarre unki un se ghani....


srothalu esp Kamal kosam and also for Mav, coke and Mixer....took me 6 mins
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Mental_sachinodu
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Username: Mental_sachinodu

Post Number: 2454
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:15 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Der bro,
very good one... i had to look up the meaning of some words. glad to see you back here.
the world of appearances may or may not be real, or both may and may not be real - or may be indescribable; or may be real and indescribable, or unreal and indescribable; or in the end may be read and unreal and indescribable - its all Syadvada
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3621
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:13 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

tatparyam: ee kavitha main agenda is to put a heart as a third person and explain how it feels when it encounters a thought in the head. so aa abstraction gurthu unchukondi....

First Stanza: Naa vooha vahini chede puriti noppullo eppudu oke alochana janisthu untundhi....oka alochana vachi vellipoyaka....vere alochana vache munupu...unde aa chinna vyavadhili....naa mashtikamlo janiyinche oohe aame....deeni visadhikaristhe...nenu ye pani chesthunna...naa hruyadantharangamlo....aame smruthule annattu.....aa vooha oka mruga trushna..endhukante adhi ooha mathrame...nijam kaa jaaladhu...aa katuvaina nijam i.e thana swasalo nigudamai thanatho nadiche ooha thana deggara ledhu ane baadhanu diga mingukuni....thana ooha puttinappudalla.....aa manasu aa vooha yokka smruthikai vethukuladutundhi...even though it is fearful of the fact that it is not with it....aa ooha yokka gnapakalu ravadhani entha varinchina....entha nigraham pradarsinchina...aame naa swashalo anuvanuvuna...milithamai undhi.....
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3620
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 10:06 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Kamal:


kavita llo as usual .. you rock .. very very well written




Chiranjeevi tarvatha maname antava!!!!

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Jalsa
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Username: Jalsa

Post Number: 10089
Registered: 02-2008
Posted From: 69.115.29.189

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:55 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Kamal:



kamal bro, koncham explain chestava pls
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Ruj
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Username: Ruj

Post Number: 795
Registered: 03-2007
Posted From: 24.118.242.233

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:41 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

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Kamal
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Username: Kamal

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:40 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

The lost heaven !

kavita llo as usual .. you rock .. very very well written .. I could connect to it almost instantaneously !
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Cocanada
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:39 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Jp_rocks:

excellent der...full of life


naaku offline lo meaning cheptava please?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Jalsa
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:36 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)



okka mukka ardham kaledhu
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Jp_rocks
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:35 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

excellent der...full of life

how abt "Etched, Forever and a Day" or just "Forever and a day"
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Maverick
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Username: Maverick

Post Number: 12716
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Posted From: 24.1.171.91

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:11 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Faded Rainbow
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Cocanada
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:07 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Der thammudu

nuvvu opening quotes "" and closing quotes sarigga etti malli post cheyyi

neeku punyam untadhi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Lionswalkalone
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Username: Lionswalkalone

Post Number: 7450
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Posted From: 38.105.86.201

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 09:00 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:


Name suggest cheyyavoi....




In Remembrance
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All_mix
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Post Number: 9225
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 08:55 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

as usual...mixie gadiki mukka kuda ardham kaala...
baava cheppina satyam
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3618
Registered: 01-2009
Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 08:44 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Lionswalkalone:




Name suggest cheyyavoi....and what did you make out of this as a summary...nenu kavitha samputi achu cheyisthe neeku honorable mention and part of royalty..kiki
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Lionswalkalone
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Username: Lionswalkalone

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 08:08 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Der..Baagundi
well written
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Bmw007
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Username: Bmw007

Post Number: 5475
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Posted From: 216.113.168.128

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 08:03 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)


Der_schuler:




Bro how are you..Good to see you back in the DB
Jai Visala Andhra Jai Jai Visala Andhra
One Telugu One State
Jai Raj Gopal Jai Jai Raj Gopal
Jai Jagan Jai Jai Jagan
Jai Chiru Jai Jai Chiru
Jai Uma Jai Jai Sunitha


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Cocanada
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Post Number: 16407
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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 07:41 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

vanta chesi ochi chaduvutaa

undu ekkadiki ellakunda
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGX-360Pzbg[7:45-7:50]
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3617
Registered: 01-2009
Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 07:41 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

LWA, Anand, coke , kamla , mallik...etc etc....suggest a name....and post ur critique...as in did you read through the depth of the sonnet
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Pulpfiction
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Username: Pulpfiction

Post Number: 10104
Registered: 02-2009
Posted From: 171.68.90.56

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 07:41 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

der thammud

h r u
Life is a marathon.Keep Moving.
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Der_schuler
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Username: Der_schuler

Post Number: 3615
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Posted From: 148.159.160.51

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Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 - 07:40 pm:   Insert Quote Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Through the fissure of my thought, it sped
the mirage of an angel that I once met
daring the past, trips through every ounce of my blood
my defenses like a pinball, fell, as at every synapse, it fret.

fazed and lost, my heart followed the path it led
the traipse through the withered woods, by the winter, lain wet
nonchalant and barren stood my hope, with its life bled
parched like a corpse under the drizzle of the tears, it met

peering through the moist stretch, my deep set eyes, they said
"ye cometh back to where you and a great despair met
On its knees, with an intoned whisper, like the breath of the dead
it said,"buried yonder lain my life's mirth, in its jarring dulcet

The only mirth that every breath of mine ever wanted
because the meaning of my life, in its very gut rests...it rests...


by
Quantummorphed

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