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Maverick Legend Username: Maverick Post Number: 66579 Registered: 01-2008 Posted From: 165.225.50.165 Rating: N/A |
World famous local paper take So, Amazon, here's why you shouldn't pick the 19 cities that aren't Indianapolis: Atlanta Atlanta already has an aquarium with TWO types of otters. Don't they have enough? Austin, Tex. Don't you want to stand out, Amazon? You'd just be one fish in a massive cloud of cool hip techy companies. Boston Where are all those workers going to pahk their cahs? Chicago Chicago can't decide on a head coach or a quarterback. Michael Jordan left and took the city's mojo with him. The Cubs, you say? Who's got another 100 years to wait for something good to happen. Columbus, Ohio We'd have to start calling it The Amazon. (Get it? THE Ohio State? Ugh.) Dallas Is there even a Whole Foods in Dallas? Denver Denver? Even Austin would be a more productive choice, dude. Los Angeles Amazon employees would be forced to break into song while stuck in traffic heading to work. ("La La Land" was a weird movie) Miami Oh, come on. Don't you want your employees to be able to eat their burgers in peace without having to see scads of fit bodies daily? Montgomery County, Md. Uhh... where? Oh, you mean the part of Maryland between Baltimore and Washington, D.C., otherwise known as purgatory between "The Wire" and "House of Cards." Nashville The dull hum of singer-songwriters wafting above bars on Broadway will send airwaves that would probably cause Amazon's delivery drones to shut down and crash into sequin suit factories, effectively ending the entire country music industry. Newark Amazon HQ2 would probably have a state-of-the art gym, laundromat and tanning salon on its premises, so no one would need to use those services elsewhere in Jersey. That would tank the state's economy. New York Oh, puh-lease. Way to be super uncreative in your choice, Amazon. If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? Northern Virginia Northern Virginia is for lovers and nothing else of note. Philadelphia Philly wasn't even good enough for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and what makes you think you're cooler than Will Smith? Pittsburgh Pittsburgh ain’da place, unless yinz watch da Stillers. Raleigh, N.C. Our David (Letterman) could beat up your David (Sedaris). Toronto Toronto would send your level of Drake fatigue off the charts. There's a cacophony in the truth, A melody in lies and it accompanies one on every journey, From the lows to the highs |