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Simba Comedian Username: Simba Post Number: 1319 Registered: 02-2008 Posted From: 206.210.17.33 Rating: N/A |
Some old but funny lines: ======================================================== Things you would never know without the movies: All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Who the hell are You? There are three ways to get something done: (i) do it yourself, (ii) hire someone to do it, or (iii) ask your kids not to do it. Sign on the front entrance of a maternity hospital: Push... Push... Push Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice. Funky Answering Machine Messages: "Hi, David's answering machine is sick today. I am his refrigerator. Leave a message and I will stick it to myself for David to see. (Beep)" One man's excuse for running a stop sign: "I don't believe everything I read." Murphy's Law #3444: When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it would be obsolete. Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Make love, not war, or do both -- get married. Half of the people in the world are below average. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Pick 3 friends at random. If theyâre OK, you are the nut case. A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The doctor asks, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband, you moron!" Why is it they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read a Bible when he's alone with a woman in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got! There was a hijacking of the tourist bus. Luckily, it was filled with Japanese tourists -- they got over two thousand photographs of the hijackers. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What else do you want - an adorable pancreas? I broke up with someone, and she said, "You'll never find anyone like me again." And I'm thinking, I hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone just like you? Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, "Oh, by the way, do you have a twin?" Murphy's Laws ML-1692: Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. ML-4635: Half ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. ML-8954: There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault. How come every time you go to the emergency room they got doctors from India there? I don't want to put my life in the hands of a doctor who believes in reincarnation. Give me a good old-fashioned American doctor who'll make sure I live to pay the bill. One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider. The whole world is about three drinks behind. My wife and I took out insurance policies on one another -- now it's just a waiting game. On Philosophy: Basically, this involves sitting in a room all by yourself, deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. Frequent naps prevent old age, especially when taken while driving. | ||
Okahyderabadi Comedian Username: Okahyderabadi Post Number: 1812 Registered: 12-2009 Posted From: 207.61.241.100 Rating: N/A |
 In history there is no such thing as the last word on any subject research leads to new things every day | ||
Stig Side Hero Username: Stig Post Number: 3423 Registered: 01-2010 Posted From: 67.80.101.77 Rating: N/A |
Ivi DB ki apt ga saripotayi !! 
Lolz !! ------- None of what you said makes any sense. Can I have some weed ?? | ||
Anand_n Side Hero Username: Anand_n Post Number: 7382 Registered: 02-2008 Posted From: 167.24.104.150 Rating: N/A |
LOL- good ones  Here's some Dilbert rules Dilbert's 35 Rules of Order: 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 8. My reality check bounced. 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience. 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 21. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 22. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 23. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 24. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. 25. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the e-mail. 26. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 27. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 28. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 29. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 30. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 31. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 32. Following the rules will not get the job done. 33. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 34. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 35. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. aa chal ke tujhe main leke chalu ik aise gagan ke tale jahan gam bhi na ho, aansoo bhi na ho,bas pyaar hi pyaar pale | ||
Uppu Comedian Username: Uppu Post Number: 1677 Registered: 11-2007 Posted From: 206.16.32.135 Rating: N/A |
 âGenerations to come will scarce believe that such a one as this walked the earth in flesh and blood.â | ||
Venkateswarlu Side Hero Username: Venkateswarlu Post Number: 2072 Registered: 01-2010 Posted From: 75.37.189.171 Rating: N/A |
 In this db, there's always someone watching you!!  | ||
Nanigadu Side Hero Username: Nanigadu Post Number: 4972 Registered: 02-2008 Posted From: 204.92.92.4 Rating: N/A |
ippudey forwarding vocchindi, pathadey aithey sorry... kani naku funny ga anipinchindi, especially toilet scene Dear All Following Rules shall be adhered to With Immediate Effect. Pls Co -Operate... Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sunday. Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy! You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also. Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. - The Management. When you point a fingre at some body remember that there are three fingers pointing at you and one finger pointing at God |